Black Tangled Heart

Missing...

Song Basically reflects the way i feel about life atm...

Life can be Painful.

Yeap, Sometimes life can be a real pain.

For the most part i can't complain with my lot in life. Not that I am the kind of person who dwells on there problems anyway. But occasionally something will happen that still knocks you down a few pegs, and it can be hard to get over it.

One such thing recently happened to me, even though i could see it coming. It was something that had to happen one way or another and will ultimately make me a stronger person. Thats easy to say now, i feel fairly good atm. As long as i keep my mind active and don't get bored and start brooding I am fine. I just have to keep myself busy.

Easier said then done though. Even at work, its hard to constantly find things to do. Hense me even writing this relatively pointless blog post. It's just giving me something to past time for 5minutes or so. Then I'll be back to trying to keep myself occupied.

One of my Pet annoyances atm, is people telling me "you'll find somebody great". In my experience, everybody great is either taken or not interested. I know thats a really negative way to look at things but I'd rather people were just more realistic sometimes. Maybe i'll be happy oneday and maybe i'll find somebody. But I for one am not sure of it by any means.

Quote of the Day

There is nothing more painful than seeing someone you love loving someone else. But there is nothing more rewarding than seeing two people you love loving each other.

• J.H. Li

I dont trust myself...

Good Song Much? :P

Positive Thoughts...

The last couple of weeks I've been kind of down. Actually i think it goes back further then that. On the surface I've been my normal self, but under it all I've felt rather battered. Finally I emerged from this, the last few days have been much happier for me simply because this deep seeded darkness has subsided. I don't even know why, :S But I'm glad I can tell you that much. I'm used to having to put on the brave face ect, but its nice to not have to. Life should be enjoyed and lived to its fullest, and sadness makes that very difficult :P

Dancing is still going very well. Dancing 5 times a week now. I think its improving me quicker then ever, but i still have SOOOOOOO much to learn. For every inch of improvement i make i realise how much further i still have to go. But its good, it gives me something to aim for, something to aspire to. I managed to score a place for us to practice any time we like through work. Which is VERY awesome, gives us a big advantage. I've only been dancing a short time but I am really trying hard to improve, so hopefully soon me and Serena will actually start to place in some comps :)

Yesterday was really nice. I took my family to lunch at a nice restaurant. Kane and Serena also came which was really nice. Was like, links from my 'old' life and my 'new' life coming together and enjoying each others company. The fact that everybody got along so well and had a good time just made my day. Everybody at that table yesterday are the most important people in my life. Only one person was missing and she knows who she is :) . Together this awesome collection of people mean more to me then words can express. I just feel blessed to have them all in my life.

Diary of Jane

Awesome Song

A strange Day

Today was strange. For some reason I physically feel fine. Better then i have in a while to be honest. Emotionally though I feel battered. I have no idea why. There are a few things that happened over the weekend that affected me, but nothing very drastic. I dunno. I'm probably just seeing ghosts where there is nothing.

I had a very strange dream last night. I am pretty sure its told me a lot about how and why i feel the way i do. It just depends on how you interpret it. It was one of those rare dreams that despite the fact i woke up some 8-9 hrs ago i can remember the majority of it clearly. It also had a lot people in it I associate with regularly. I'm not going to describe what happened, even if i wanted too (which i dont really, was a private dream) I couldn't properly. My dreams tend to be very abstract in what physically happens with very strong emotions that run in the undercurrent. This dream was no different.

I know this blog has been largely pointless but i needed to air my thoughts. I've been telling people i am Fine the last couple of days which is not exactly the truth. I'm not sure how i feel at the moment, or even why. I feel a bit like a battered leaf in a storm. Just waiting for the next strong breeze to blow me into another calamity. I'm probably being a bit melodramatic, but who knows. Maybe i'm not being dramatic enough? Time will tell.

Dreaming...

Beautiful song.

Quote of the Day

"Four years ago Kevin Rudd got drunk and took himself into a strip club," he said. "Four years ago John Howard, sober, took Australia into the Iraq war. I think the electorate could judge which one did the more harm."

- Bob Brown, Leader of the Australian Greens Political Party

Open Fire!

This Song reminds me of my last days at high school. I had to sing this song in front of the whole school. Been a favorite song ever since :)

What a Day!

Its finally over. The Sunday I've been silently dreading, but also slightly looking forward too is over. What a day it was too!

Woke up at a dreaded 6:45am, earlier but quite a bit then any weekday! Had a quick shower (had already shaved, washed hair ect the night before :p ) and got dressed. Wore my full Dress Pants, nice long sleeve shirt and Full Diner Jacket. Basically a suit minus a tie. I like wearing nice clothes so I was happy. Waited for Kane to get ready and we were both dressed up nice and off to Clive's at 7:45.

At Clive's we transfered to Clive's car, picked up Jayde, then Serena and headed off with a full car and a ton of nerves (least i did :P ). Despite having actually got a decent night sleep the night before *shock horror!* i was almost falling asleep in the car. That didn't last long though, by the time we were 3-4mins away, i had woken myself up fully and was thinking about what i had to do.

There was not as many people there as i expected there to be. Still PLENTY though I'm telling you! We arrived at about 8:50ish and the dancing was to start at 9:30. I knew my family was coming and they arrived at around 9:50. They actually timed it pretty well. They had a chance to settle down and meet all my new friends and people i spend all my time with. They all got along awesomely which made me extremely happy. Before i knew it my first dance was up, modern waltz.

God i was nervous. Although i put my focus totally onto doing what i was taught, so much so that i didn't give conscious thought to my nerves, deep down i could feel it stirring. Me and Serena walked out on the floor and i realised there was only 1 other couple in this dance! If anything that made it harder because i knew the judges would spend a lot of time watching me. It couldn't have gone any better. I made some little mistakes, like poor footwork on some close changes, but i kept in time, i kept my Topline (i think lol!), and i remembered all the steps. I could feel shaking through the dancing i thought it was me during the dancing but afterwards i mentioned it to Serena and turned out she was shaking from nerves for me! Shes such a sweety, I'm so lucky that I've got such a talented nice person for a dance partner. If you read this Serena, thanks a million!

I walked off the floor of the waltz in a slightly euphoric state. I couldn't believe that i had pulled off the dance without one hitch, despite all the pressure. Was a major relief, and a huge confidence boost. My next dance wasn't until after a presentation ceremony for the first set of dances. So quite a while away. To my utter amazement, the presentation ceremony came for that set of dances and some how i had managed to win my dance. I couldn't believe it. First ever comp dance and i won!

Next Dance was Square Rumba. A fairly Easy dance, apart from the timing. As long as you get the timing, everything is fine. Luckily i nailed the timing perfectly and just went into autopilot. I walked away from this dance feeling confident. Next Dance was Merralyn and this wasn't for AGESSSSSSSS.

The Presentation for Rumba came up in the mean time and i somehow managed to get a win there too! At this stage i was elated. First two comp dances ever and i won. My parents were absolutely thrilled. My mum was in tears happy and my dad had the hugest smile on his face. I really happy to see them happy.

Finally, Merralyn came up. If anything this dance was the one i was the most worried about. Every part of the dance i could do pretty good EXCEPT the end transition section. When i was relaxed i do it fine, but when i get nervous i tend to stuff it up a bit. I was fine though, i managed to nail this dance just as good as the previous two. Kane had to sabotage me by taking Jadye out right in front of me, but i think i can forgive him for that :P

I managed to pull off a third for Merralyn. I was stoked with that, because i personally thought i could of done a lot better in places. But hey, two firsts and a third? All i can say is WOW! I didnt expect to get a thing. I can't believe i managed to do so well in my first ever dance comp.

To all my friends, family I love you all so much for being there to support me. I SERIOUSLY could not have done it without you all.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.

I LOVE this song. Found a WAY better version :D

Visonary Soul

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

The Return to a Students Life.

Well, not exactly.

But from tomorrow I will be studying part time on top of working full time. Fortunately, my boss is a great guy, and because i am studying to make myself more qualified to fulfill my rolls at work, There is a chance that work is going to help me pay for certain aspects of the course.

Either way, my Wednesday mornings will now involve me trekking to Tafe for study. I'll be redoing some Cert IV things before starting on my Diploma next semester. Which should then set me up to complete several other specialist courses afterwards.

I'm quite looking forward to it. I miss the laid back cruisy life that is so easy to take advantage of when you know nothing else. When your young and being a student is all you've ever known, its so easy to take it for granted. After you've actually experienced the workplace a little you realise how nice it is to have such a easy time.

John Mayer - Clarity

My Current "favourite" song :P

Quote of the Day

Love can take many forms. Some Love comes unexpected, sweeping through us like a hot summer breeze. Some Love grows and ripens from the fields of Friendship.

- Raymond Fiest, Magician

End of an Era.

Yesterday, me and my best friend ended the reign of House Atreides.

House Atreides was a gaming clan we started in a game called freelancer. We started the clan two years ago as two noobs. We thought we were pretty good, but the next 6 months taught us how much we didn't know. Our goal when we started the clan was simply to try and take a system or two, and be respected. Little did we realise how much farther our clan would go...

I wont go into a detailed history of how we rose to power. But within 6 months of founding are clan wasn't only respected, it was one of only 3 clans to have reached the status of a "super-power" on the server we played. No other clan, except for the two other "superpowers" stood a chance against us, and even they couldn't stand against our 100% A team.

However, after two years and literally hundreds of battles (90% of which we won), we have dropped all our systems, and closed our doors. This moment was extremely sad for a lot of us. The people in this clan have become like an extended family for me. All of them are close companions that have enriched my life by untold amounts in the last two years.

I can seriously say, my life wouldn't be no where near as happy now if it wasn't for this game. Because of this Game and the Clan we started together, me and Kane became very good friends. I would actually say Kane is my best friend. Through him I've met a half dozen other people that have made my life so much better. Laura, Serena, Buff, Greg, Clive, Shelda, gosh even Logan and Morgan, without any of them my life now wouldn't be the same. I spend the majority of my time these days in the company of these people, and i wouldn't change it for a second. I love them all.

Its with a heavy heart i say goodbye to this game. People who say computer games are bad for you, don't know what there talking about. This game literally changed my life majorly for the better. It helped me get away from things that were dragging me down not to mention the countless hours of entertainment the game itself provided.

Goodbye Atreides. You've been good to me.

An Update.

Well, my life has been busy lately. Anybody who reads my blog will no doubt notice I haven't been posting no where near as regularly. I'll be honest, it wasn't just my busy schedule that had dulled my urge to write, I had no inspiration. Certain things were getting me down and that dulled my need to express my thoughts. One of my biggest personality flaws i see in myself, is when i am unhappy I become Dark, brooding and anti-social.

Still I'm not unhappy :) I never was really, just not as content as i tried to convince myself with the current situation i'm in. One thing that is making me happy is dancing. I have my first comp this sunday coming up, so seven days from now. I am really nervous but i think I'll do ok. I know the dances i am meant to do well and i am confident doing them. My partner is awesome and I'll have all of my closest friends there to support me. It should be a great day, no matter how I dance.

Well i have to head off, I'm going on a picnic with my family. Should be a nice day. I'll try and post more often.

Wondeful Tonight

Such a sweet song, brings tears to my eyes. Lol i'm such a softy :p

I've been slack.

So this post isn't going to be about any one thing, but a multitude.

My life has been really busy lately. Between dancing, work and the DotA team i am trying to get off the ground i rarely have a lot of completely free time. I don't mind it though. I tend to get Dark and Brooding if i am bored for long periods of time. I'm trying to avoid this state of mind if possible :)

Dancing is going well. Every lesson seems to underline to me how much I've learnt, but how far i still have to go. My first competition is drawing closer by the day and the more i think about that the more nervous i get. Sooooo I'm trying to totally avoid thinking of it :P But that is much easier said then done.

Work has been a right pain in the ass. Dad's been stressing ridiculously over things he cant control which is very annoying for me because i have to put up with his bad moods. It doesn't overly bother me but it can be very grating at times. Work is a lot easier and less stressful when the people you are working with aren't always freaking out over every little thing. But its all minor, I do my work and people are happy, I ultimately I'm not that worried in this department.

I've gone out to the movies a few times with Kane and Serena since my last post. Seen Simpsons, Transformers, Harry Potter, basically all the movies worth seeing. HP was probably the best...

Well Not much more to talk about for now. I'll try and start posting again more regularly soon.

I Must be Dreaming...

Further Away

The Next Stage Begins.

On Monday me and Serena had our first real lesson together for dancing.

Personally i feel it was very helpful for me. Between Serena and Shelda (who was supervising us) i think i learnt a great deal in the two hours i was there. I am trying to take in stuff as quickly as i can and so far am having no major troubles with anything.

Its a bit difficult to remember the steps for so many things. But that said, i find i do a better job if i just go and *do it* in appose to thinking about what i am doing. When i am concentrating on my timing, or the type of steps i am making, i tend to just do the steps without thinking. A much better way of doing it. :) I also need to get Serena to slap me when i start looking at my feet, every time i stop doing that i straight away start doing better.

My new dancing shoes defiantly helped too. Trying to dance in sneakers is really hard, simply because they are always trying to grip when your trying to slide. Made life much much easier for me straight away.

The social side is great too. I pretty much know most of the people in the studio now, so I am comfortable being there and doing stuff. The first few times i was a bit nervous, simply because i didnt know half the people and i am a shy kinda person. But its all good now, really great fun.

Quote of the Day

Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything dances.

• Maya Angelou

Quote of the Day

Before God we are all equally wise — and equally foolish.

- Albert Einstein

Three Years from Now.

Ok, I've got a plan.

After talking to some of my friends something i think we really should do together is travel around Europe. This is something i am going to do myself no matter what within the next few years, but I think going with a group of close friends would make an awesome experience into an extraordinary one.

Ever since i was old enough to truly appreciate the things there, I've wanted to see many places in Europe. There is so much cultural and historical places it makes Australia look like the most boring place on the planet. Australia has many Natural marvels and is somewhere i want to travel too, but Europe is a place that would be an adventure with every step.

If Kane, Serena, Laura and maybe a few others came too, well it would be the adventure of a lifetime. :) I've spoken to some people in the past, who did exactly that when they were young and ALL of them have told me it was the best fun they ever had in there life.

Quote of the Day

• Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
  • The Bible, John 15:13

The Black Button

Best YouTube movie i have ever seen.

Dota Team

Well, hasnt this been an epic.

Me and kane have been trying for ages to get a team together. For so long we've had several members be keen, then go flaky, backwards and forwards. Through the lot me and kane have stayed keen and steadfast, whereas the rest of our "team-members" have been flaky to say the least.

BUT we might finally have got our team together. Now we have:

Redsky: a very strong player who has huge amounts of experiance with all espects of the game. We've played together a lot and although he is out of practise, I know he'll get back up to speed in no time.

Kai-: another very very strong player. I've only played with him myself a few times, but we quickly hit off and got along very well. He is just as keen as me and Kane to get the team together and is really looking forward to playing with us all. Kai- has awesome last hit micro and excellent map awareness, a good solo player :P

Sour_Mash / Rommant1k / Kane : My housemate, a great reallife friend and an awesome dota player. His only real weakness his flaky map awareness, something he is aware of and improving on. Hes got excellent last hit micro, dota sence and a ton of experiance with a multitude of heros.

Blakmane: Our newest addition. :D Blakmane has been a great friend of myself and kanes for a long while. Although he never reached the high levels of play the rest of us play at, Blakmane has recently came back to dota and his very keen to learn. He is a talented gamer and a very smart guy who will learn very fast. I am comfident we can train him up in no time.

And lastly, myself. Who i am not going to describe because i would probably do a very poor inaccurate job :P

Well thats our team. Ragtag and totally untrained at the moment. But hopefully, given a few months of solid scrimming, and bonding we can take the australian dota scene by storm :D

Quote of the Day

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

• Helen Keller

Dancing.

Yesterday was the first time i danced with Serena for a decent length of time. I can already tell we are going to have a great time with each other. She's a great person and really funny. Despite what Buff had told me, she was actually very laid back which made dancing with her easier. Despite her laughing at me when i made silly mistakes =.= (which i didn't really mind because it was a good natured kind of laugh :P ) I think she'll be able to teach me pretty fast.

It can be somewhat frustrating sometimes. I'll do a dance fine once or twice, then stuff it up several times in a row. I know i am improving at a steady rate, but I sometimes feel as though it must be extremely frustrating for the people dancing with me, because i seem to always stuff up something. :P That said, I can tell they aren't exactly going easy on me. I constantly being barraged with new information on what i should be improving which is 100% fine with me. :) Its hard to improve if you don't already know what your doing wrong.

Every time I've gone so far, I seem to have picked up a new dance better then what i knew before. The first dance I did yesterday (lol i cant remember the name already >.<) i improved on 500%. In all honesty i didn't even know the steps before yesterday, but i now pretty much know the whole thing, even if the second half is a bit rough. The guy who helped me through it also taught me some little things which will no doubt improve my dancing as a whole overall too.

Well enough of a rant about this. All in all I am having an awesome time. Loving both the social aspect and the dancing side of it. Really really happy I decided to do it.

Knocked up.

Recently saw the movie Knocked up over the weekend.

I must saw i was pretty damn impressed. I didn't really have a clue what to expect with this movie, as i had only seen one short preview when i saw Spiderman 3 a month or so ago. In a word, the movie was hilarious.

It follows the rather amusing story of a young attractive women who has recently scored a promotion in her work, and hits the town to celebrate with her sister. Things happen and at the end of the night ends up inviting a rather bogan-type to stay with her the night. She somewhat comes to her senses next morning and that seems to be the end of them.

However! In there drunken haze the night before, somehow, somebody forgot to use a condom, and 8 weeks later, things start to get veryyy interesting. Things go from funny to hilarious, at a rapid rate and the overall film has feel-good kind of theme. A great watch for anybody.

Intersting

Apparently i am Yoda lol

Latest Song i am Listening to.

Family. Your greatest treasure

Spent the weekend (or most of it) at my parents.

One thing if life that people are either blessed with or not, is the awesomeness of there family. I was extremely lucky in that regard. Everybody in my family is such a great person. My Dad turned 45 this Friday. For as long as i can remember my Dad has probably been the person I looked up to and respected more then anybody else I have ever (and probably will ever) know. He gave me my deep seeded sense of honor and respect for others. He taught me to love and respect others and was always fair and caring in all his dealings with other people. More then anybody else, I feel as though i reflect my father.

My Mum is an awesome person. She loves fiercely and has the heart of a Lion. She gets carried away sometimes but like my dad has a deep seeded sense of honor and loyalty that has also been instilled in me. Shes a bit of a stickler for manners and old fashion stuff :P which when i was little used to bug the crap outta me, but now i am very thankful for. I wouldn't be half the gentleman i am now if it wasn't for my mum. She gave me some small wisdom's in life that have always served me well. Small intuitions, the ability to see to the heart of matters and see what is truly troubling people. But more then anything else, i have my mums ability of loving something almost too much.

Well thats a little self reflection on who i am, and where i came from. I'll write about my brothers and sisters when i can think about it more :)

Options

Life is fairly good at the moment. Good Job, nice place to live. Unfortunately, I several reason my place of residence will expire at the end of this year. Which is perfectly fine, I always expected that. To be honest I could probably stay if I really want, but I can’t see myself doing that. As nice as it is, it’s just not me.

So what are my options? Well the first and most obvious one is I could move back in with my parents. Even though this would be the cheapest choice and I’d get to see my family a lot more again, I don’t think I could accept living so far from everything again. Next and most likely option is to find a new place to call home. This is probably the path I am going to choose, but it’s also going to be the hardest and the most expensive.

An apartment would probably be the best option for me at the moment. In some ways I’d like a smaller more personal space to live and call my own. Where I live now is pretty huge, but it doesn’t really feel like my house. I am comfortable there but in a lot of ways I still feel like I’m only a visitor. I guess that’s a pretty accurate way of looking at it though. I was only ever meant to be there as a kind of caretaker.

It’s a shame it never worked out the way it was meant to. There was meant to be 3 of us for starters. We were all going to get Jobs and pay our own way. It often feels like I am the only one who actually kept to there word.

Ahwell :) It won’t be that long and I’ll be moving on myself. An apartment of my own, just a small place, maybe share with a close reliable friend, that would be nice.

So Many Birthdays

Well I got my dads Birthday this week.

Lauras Birthday in two weeks.

My brothers birthday in just over a month.

Looks like its going to be a busy few weeks for me. :P This must be the best time of year for a birthday. Smack bang half way through the year. I spose the only problem is that its during a relatively busy time of year, so the odd person might forget about you lol.

My Birthday is on the 26th of December. Nobody ever forgets it, but what a crappy time. :( Ever had a Happy Christmas/Birthday Card? I Have =.= Ah well some people are just slack :P and my true friends always make sure they celebrate my birthday separate from Christmas.

Ball Photo.

Me Two Years ago, at my Ball. I look so much younger...

No thats not my Girlfriend :P She was just a good friend, who was nice enough to give me a partner for the night :)

Owner of a Lonely Heart

Lyrics:

Move yourself
You always live your life
Never thinking of the future
Prove yourself
You are the move you make
Take your chances win or loser

See yourself
You are the steps you take
You and you - and thats the only way

Shake - shake yourself
Youre every move you make
So the story goes

Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than - a
Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart

Say - you dont want to chance it
Youve been hurt so before

Watch it now
The eagle in the sky
How he dancin one and only
You - lose yourself
No not for pitys sake
Theres no real reason to be lonely
Be yourself
Give your free will a chance
Youve got to want to succeed

Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than - a
Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart

Owner of a lonely heart

After my own decision
They confused me so - owner of a lonely heart
My love said never question your will at all
In the end youve got to go
Look before you leap - owner of a lonely heart
And dont you hesitate at all - no no

Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than - a
Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart
(repeat)

Owner of a lonely heart

Sooner or later each conclusion
Will decide the lonely heart - owner of a lonely heart
It will excite it will delight
It will give a better start - owner of a lonely heart

Dont deceive your free will at all
Dont deceive your free will at all - owner of a lonely heart
Dont deceive your free will at all
Just receive it

Ahh Mondays.

Well well.

Spoke to Greg today for a while, which i haven't really had a chance to do for quite a while. I thought he was annoyed at me, but it turns out hes just annoyed at everything else. Either way he did say hes "got better things to do" then hang out like we used to. Not sure he really intended it to sound like that. But, still was a bit harsh i thought... =(

A bloody server has died at work here, which has just caused hassle from the minute we walked in the door. It had to be one that runs several vital operations of the place. We'll get it fixed eventually, but until we do, we've got people pilling up at the office door asking why certain things aren't working. I've only managed to scrape the time to write this out of my lunch hour.

It seems my friend Serena is keen on training me up to be her new dance partner. I'm really eager to learn and would happily dance with her. Shes a really great person that i get along well with. I am really surprised how much I enjoyed dancing. Not just the social aspect, which is great, but the actual dancing itself is really fun in a different kind of way. It looks like it becomes more fun as you get better too, which is real inspiration to improve :)

Going to be spending some time with a close friend on Saturday. We've been talking about doing something for ages, but never actually set a date or anything. I'm really looking forward to it. We rarely get to see each other and basically never get any time alone together, so should be lots of fun. Well i know I'll enjoy it and i hope she will too :)

Well i better do something more productive. Until my next entry, take care.

Quote

"Never argue with a dumb ass. He may drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience."

Quote of the Week.

The Eagles

Love this song. The Amazing Vocal harmonies towards the end of this song literally bring tears to my eyes. Beautiful.

Ball is rolling

Spoke to sensai this morning. I'll be going back to karate in a couple of weeks :D I cant wit to get back into it again. Going some kickboxing with my House-mate Kane made me realize how much i missed it. It was really great just to talk to him again. Hes such an awesome person to be around, just talking to him to half an hour on the phone, straight away made me feel good about my day.

If everything goes to plan, tonight i'll be off to dancing for the first time. I'm pretty nervous about it, mainly because i don't want to make a fool of myself (in front of one person in particular). :P But i'm sure it will be great fun. More then anything its an excuse to spend time with one person I want to see more then anybody. I'm willing to risk a little embarrassment for that :) Who knows, if i get any good maybe i'll get an excuse to spend ever more time with her :P

Work has been a major drag this week, but it pays my bills and keeps me afloat. I paid $600 in rent this morning, so i am a little low on funds until next thursday. But my paycheck should be fairly chunky because i've worked a lot of hours these last few weeks.
Well lunchtime i nearly over so i best get back to work.

Nervous.

Well i made the decision the other day to finally goto dancing with my friends. Kane, Serena and Laura had all asked me more then once to come in the past, and finally I've worked up my courage to take the plunge. :p Still I'm not worried, all three of them are awesome people and I know they'll help get me up to speed as quickly as they can.

Another big decision (at least it is to me) I've made is to cut my long hair. I've been growing my hair for close to 5 years, so this decision wasn't made lightly. I still have no idea what style i want my hair, but I've got so much, i could probably get it cut however i like. :P
Ahhwell, whatever happens i am sure i wont look any worse then i do now lol

Damn Airline Prices

One thing i want to do more then anything else in the world at the moment, is to see toto live in concert. I was checkin out there website and saw they have a number of performances over the next few months in Europe. So, i checked out prices for a return trip to a city in Germany where they will be performing. $3154. Ouch. Now i *could* afford that, but i'd bloody feel it for a while.

Then i remembered that a month or so ago, i made a post on the Official toto forum asking when and if they would be touring Australia again anytime soon. The person who was responsible for organising there last tour or oz, which was about August last year said they were trying to arrange for them to come back either late this year or early next year. So despite the fact I would love to goto Germany AND see Toto live, i dont think i should shell out $4000+ to do it. Maybe in a year or so :P

But for the time being, I cant WAIT for them to come back to Oz. As soon as i find out the dates of the concert i'm booking my flight, my hotel and will be waiting impatiently :D

New Resolve.

Well, the last few weeks have been strange for me. Despite there relative difficulty, i think I've pulled through ok and relatively unscathed. I've learnt more about myself, and what i am capable of. Most importantly I've discovered just how good my friends are. A couple in particular and they know who they are, have been awesome. Despite my foolishly stupid attempts at pushing her away one of them she stood by me when most people would of walked away and for that i am dearly grateful.

I am now determined to make some changes in my life. I need to give myself some direction to keep myself from falling into an emotional chasm that put me through that in the first place. I've decided more then anything, i want to get myself to my old level of fitness. I'm now gyming two times a week for several hours, I'll be going back to karate, made big changes to my diet. Hopefully these changes help me to feel better about myself soon. I'm sure they wont make me feel worse :P

Another thing i need to do is get out more. Meet new people and live a little. I've made the decision to join my friend Kane at dancing this weekend. Something hes been naggin me to do for ages. We've also made a commitment to hit the town that night, just go and have fun. Something we both want to try and do as often as we can.

Heres to a Happy Future.

Steve Lukather.

The Master, Steve Lukather at work. Awesome singer, godly guitar player.

Lolz

Finally Howard Found something hes good at.

Escape

Such a Great song.
Lyrics Below.

He's just a young boy out of school
Livin' his world like he wants to
They're makin' laws, but they don't understand
Turns a boy in to a fightin' man
They won't take me
They won't break me
No one could tell him what to do
Had to learn everything the hard way
He's on the street, breakin' all the rules
I'm tellin' you that he's nobody's fool
They won't take me
They won't break me
Now he's leavin', gettin' out from this masquerade
Oh gotta go

I'm finally out in the clear and I'm free
I've got dreams I'm livin' for
I'm movin' on where they'll never find me
Rollin' on to anywhere
I'll break away, yes I'm on my way
Leavin' today, yes I'm on my way
Just when you think you had it all figured out
Runnin' scared can change your mind
I never knew I had so much to give
How hard times can fool ya
Oh I'm okay, I'm alright
Feelin' good out on your own
I'll break away, I'll break away tonight
I've got dreams I'm livin' for
I'll break away
Yes, I'm on my way
I'm leaving', leavin' today
Yes, I'm on my way
This is my escape
Yes, I'm on my way
I'll break away
Yes, I'm on my way

Spirituality.

I wonder sometimes.

I personally have quite a strong belief in God. I don't pray to him, asking for things and i try not to complain about things in my life. I don't believe we as a race are worthy of asking favors of the creator of the universe. I also don't believe in religion. On the contrary, i am quite opposed to religion most of the time.

Basically every form of religion has corrupted the pureness of faith. Religion uses peoples faith to empower greedy people. If you look through history, some of the greatest atrocities in the history of our race have been committed in the name of god by one religious faction or another. I refuse to believe that God would condone this behavior, the way people treat each other and act, because one religion or another says so.

A being capable of creating the universe and all the life in it, would have understanding and intelligence beyond anything humans can comprehend. I honestly believe that God would know who is a good person, and who is not. The people who are worthy of his love, will receive it when there time comes and those who aren't worthy wont be able to fool anybody by "converting" to religion.

But still sometimes I wonder. In some areas of my life i have been really lucky. I've got good friends, good job, my family are beautiful people. But for better or worse, I've spent a large portion of the last few years as a lonely soul. I rarely meet people that truly understand me and when i do, things never turn out the way I'd really like. After so many bad experiences, its hard for me to open up to people. It seems to me my greatest weakness is I love people who can never reflect it. If there is one feeling i would associate with my last few years, it would be frustration.

A Story of a Boy, Episode 2

The inside of the temple was even more alien. The walls were a dark faded blue, and lines of energy criss-crossed along its surface in strange otherworldly patterns. The hall they walked down was fairly narrow but very tall. Three Sentinels stood behind the family, and three stood in front, any thoughts ideas of escaping now were out of the question. The group marched down the hall, behind the sentinel who had opened the entrance to the temple. Suddenly he stopped, the other five sentinels stopped an instant later, almost as if a command had been given.

The boy’s mother held him close, the sentinels didn’t speak, but it seemed obvious they could communicate with each other in other ways. The lead sentinel turned to face the wall. There did seem to be a strange pattern in the energy lines in that particular place. He held out one hand, not quite touching the wall. Transfixed, the boy watched him closely. Did his hand just glow? He only had a grief instant to ponder what he saw then, like the front entrance to the temple, the wall seemed to retract before his very eyes, to un-build itself and quickly spread outwards from the strange pattern the energy lines made. In seconds a doorway stood where there had once been a wall.

The lead sentinel faced the family and spoke in his cold voice, “Follow me”. The remaining sentinels had wandered off down the corridor and the lead one had taken a step through the door, waiting for the family to follow him through. The Boy looked down the hall, back the way he had came. Can I escape? He looked at his parents, both obviously petrified. His father was ashen faced, his eyes were wide. He was trying to look brave but was failing badly. His mother was openly weeping. For somebody who was normally so serious, that was a bad sign. No… they were in no shape to run. Despite his parents obvious distress the boy didn’t feel afraid. He was curious, maybe a little worried, but not afraid. He turned to look the Sentinel, who was staring right at him. Looking into his shrouded hood into the dull glow of the red eyes, the boy swore he could almost feel the sentinel’s thoughts brushing against his own. He got a sense that the sentinel wasn’t going to harm him.

Now completely unafraid the boy stepped through the open doorway. His mother sobbed and his father gasped, but they followed there son through. As soon as they had completely cleared it, the ‘portal’ that was once a wall, became a wall once again in much the same way it had become a portal. It ‘re-grew’ to once again consume the space it had created. As they walked down the passage to where-ever they were going, the boy was sure the sentinel preceding them was smiling. “What is this place…” he wondered to himself. After walking for a short time, the hallway opened into a large room. The Room was completely round and had energy lines running all the way up the walls and through the floor. All the energy lines congregated in the centre of the room where a large alter protruded from the floor. The alter housed what looked like a large crystal ball that was completely clear. Standing alone next to the strange sphere was what appeared to be another sentinel.

This sentinel though, was clearly different to the others the boy had seen. His black robes were covered in strange lines of energy, similar to the ones that covered the walls and floors of this room and the rest of the temple. Unlike the temple, where the energy lines appeared to be mostly random with the occasional pattern, his entire robe had different patterns leading into each other. The lines of energy pulsed lightly, much like they did in the walls and floors. “Leave us” the strange sentinel said, in a voice that was a lot more human then one he had heard any sentinel use before. The one who guided the family to the chamber went down to one knee for a brief moment before quickly rising and departing from the chamber. The strange sentinel slowly turned, and the boy could see that his face was hidden in a shroud like any sentinel, but his eyes unlike the others, glowed blue instead of red. “Finally we meet, Anthony. I’ve been expecting you for quite some time…”, as he spoke the sentinel reached up and pulled back his cloak. As he slowly pulled back the fabric, the shroud which seemed to almost be part of the clothing, retracted as well revealing a face that was completely human.

A Story of a Boy, Episode 1

He walked with his head bowed low. Everywhere you looked people did the same; you could almost see the anxiety, the fear in the air. Sentinels prowled the city watching for any decent. Like a hungry Lion playing with its food. His family had always tried to keep a low profile. Everybody did. To be noticed in this place was to invite death… or worse, for everything you knew. But it seemed it was all for naught. Early that morning, a dozen sentinels had arrived at the boys homed and now him and his family were being marched through the street to the Central temple.

The Architecture of the city was still very human. Massive Buildings touched the sky, black smooth roads snaked through the city, parks, rivers, and tree’s was still in abundance. But it was slowly being eroded away and replaced by the buildings the others built, strange constructions with unknown purposes that obviously weren’t of this world. The Central Temple was one such building, a place that everybody in the city feared to even mention. For anybody who had been taken there had never returned to tell of it.

The twelve sentinels that guarded the boy and his family all looked the same. Dressed from head to toe in a strange black suit that showed nothing of the being underneath. All there heads were cloaked, in deep hoods that completely hid the face of the sentinels. All that could be seen was a dull red glow where eyes would be. They could have been human or the other ones in that suit. Nobody was really sure. On each forearm there were two Curved bladed claws, completely black. If anybody in the boy’s family was fool enough to try and run, those Claws would fire energy that could cut down any man in seconds. Be them soldier, man, women or child.

After almost an hour of being marched through the city under the piercing stares of there sentinel guards the Boy and his family arrive at the Central Temple. A monstrosity of a building that seemed to protrude from the very earth itself. It was all curves and sharp edges, like the person or thing that had designed it had loved bladed weapons. It rose far into the sky. High enough to make the largest Human buildings in the city look like Tents. Along the edges of the curved protrusions that jutted from the building all over was a dull glow that showed energy ran through. But strangely enough, there was no door or obvious entry. Like the building was made to never be entered. One of the Sentinel guards walked up to building, between two of the protruding blade like edges and held out his arms, so the bladed weapons on his forearms lightly contacted the buildings own. The boy gasped, in seconds the buildings very structure seemed to un-build before his very eyes. Where once there was a bare wall, now was a large entrance. The Sentinel who made the door open, turned around and faced the family. “Enter” he said in a voice as cold as his appearance. The Boys mother started to cry…

Something to Guide Us...

I think i need to get back into Karate.

For some reason of late, my resolve has been weakened. I'm not sure exactly whats wrong, but something is getting to me. The fact i have very little time to really relax probably has a lot to do with it. My mind is always buzzing a thousand miles an hour about something or another. If its not that, I'm at work, cleaning up, helping Kane or Greg with something...

When i did karate i had some time to unwind. Some time to be primal and pure for even a little while. Not to mention is was fun and satisfying in ways that other things simply aren't. For me it wasn't about learning to fight or trying to become the next Bruce Lee. I just enjoyed it for what it was. A spiritual release.

Yeap, something I am going to do when i get home, is ring sensai and see if i can work out a situation where i can train with him, once again.

Music, Food for the soul.

Ahh i love music.

I don't know how i could survive without it. For every feeling, every emotion we feel, there is a song that reflects it. Reflects it, feeds it, and can make it better.

As somebody who enjoys singing as well as listening to music, I know there is a real release it creating music too. Kind of like being at peace in a beautiful landscape, or swimming in the ocean on a crystal clear day, it brings a peace to your heart that is hard to find elsewhere.

On that note, i'll continue doing my work, quietly singing along to "She Looks to Me" By Red Hot Chili Peppers. :)

Some FUNNY shit.

http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2004-17.html

http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2004-07.html

http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2004-18.html

http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2004-06.html

Ahh these cracked me up big time :)

Favourite song.

Probably my favorite song of all time atm. I just love this song on so many levels.

Lifelike.

One of my favourite songs atm. Vid clips a little weird, but i still really like it.

Alchohol is bad mkay.

I feel like such a moron sometimes.

The things you say when you are not 100% with it? I didn't lie, or do anything *really* stupid but I said quite a few things i wish i didn't. Revealed some things i wish i didn't. Ahwell, the truth has a way of making itself known, maybe I was simply its instrument.

Things will all be coming to head soon... For better or worse.

Driving is Fun.

I Cant believe i left it so long to really learn to drive. Even after two weekends, i am having a great time. If i keep improving at the rate i am, I'll be driving in no time at all.

Autos are easy, i could drive anywhere in an Auto right now, but i'm not quite there with a Manuel yet. Give me a few more weeks and i'll be there.

Work is Annoying.

Really Annoying.

Especially when they ring you at the crack of dawn claiming they need you or there world is going to fall apart, and you arrive only to hear the problem fixed itself, but thanks for coming.

Unfortunately, thanks doesn't give me that extra 20minutes of sleep i missed out on. As all young people know, 20 minutes of sleep can be the difference between a happy morning or a grumpy morning. Ah well, i don't feel too bad.

Time for the grind to begin.

Some Classic Cat Humour

Ahh i love Pictures like this :)

Rant about the world, Episode I

What is the world coming to?

Every day, more and more of the natural environment is destroyed. Our society turns a blind eye to the obvious effects our rampant activities cause. All over the globe, decisions are made that says profit is what drives the globe. The constant struggle for world powers to become more powerful consumes the very soul of our planet at an ever increasing pace. We suck oil out of the ground, gas out of the oceans, destroy millions of hectares of forest all in the name of "development". How much longer will this keep going before things come to ahead?

Humanity still has a chance, but its a slim one. There is still a thread of sanity left in the ever growing moronic mindset of our Capitalist society. Some people that view the world like me, that can at least acknowledge that we as a race are destroying everything we hold dear. On a forum i frequent although my reason for originally going there has basically faded, i made a post about an amazing technology that has recently been developed in our very country. A technology that can generate fresh water and electricity out of Sea water, in large quantities with no pollution or negative environmental effects. If anything it encouraged the growth of Sea life around it. Read more about it here. Some people on the forum accepted it for what it was. But sadly the majority threw it out. "Unproven", "unrealistic", people refused to believe. Sadly i feel this is a reflection on society as a whole. People are afraid to let go of old ways. Even when they know they are wrong, people are afraid to move on.

This makes me think of the current Australian government. It shames me to think our country was stupid enough to Vote this government in Multiple times. I hate the Howard and his cronies for many reasons but the one i will mention now is there refusal to acknowledge global warming. Honestly would it kill him to lose a couple of bucks to ensure our country is at least contributing to the future?

Sigh... enough on this topic. I'm sure i'll rage about it again in the future.

Bordem, The meaning of life?

Work is so boring.

I'll admit I've never been one of those people that can just work for the love of doing something. Unless what i am doing interests and engages me, I struggle to focus. My biggest flaw, and in some ways my greatest strength. I wont ever be wasting my life in a dead-end job with no future. Insanity would catch up to me way before things got that bad.

But that doesn't help me right now. I mean honestly, how can imaging computers through Ghost Suite be anything but boring? Dont get me wrong, my job is great. Lazy hours, fairly low stress, good pay, nice people. I can see myself being here for a couple of years or so and really getting something out of it. But still doing this in 5 years time? I bloody hope not. But why you ask? Well too much of the time i am bored.

What is life really, apart from a never ending struggle to not be bored? Some people would say the purpose of life is to achieve happiness. Others would say its to achieve "enlightenment". Myself, i am not so sure about either of these theories. If you live your life in a relative state of enjoyment then you achieved your purpose. Who knows, maybe we were put here to make sure somebody, *something* else isnt bored? Who knows.

I do know, that right now i am bored...